Well, the baby is really real. (I know that sounds silly, but for the first few months, there really wasn't any indication that I was pregnant other than having to pee all the time!) Now I have a bump to show for it all. :)
A bump and this incredible elation. I feel happy every minute of the day lately. We wanted a baby, not a pregnancy, but a BABY for so very long now. It feels real and it feels soon. Life couldn't be better.
But along with this newfound bump is a newfound exhaustion. I cannot figure out how to get out of bed. I sleep 14-16 hours a day and could keep sleeping!! Somebody told me this would pass with the first trimester but it's only gotten more intense. I have the utmost respect for women with five kids and job who are pregnant. I can't imagine. It makes it easier and easier for me to say we are adopting the rest of our family! :)
On the flip side, this pregnancy has been making me thing an awful lot about my birth mother. First of all, I have to say that she is somebody I rarely, if ever, think about. I have a mom and a dad who are very real and very amazing and very much all that I need. We celebrated my "homecoming" day last weekend and my birth mom didn't even cross my mind. Not at all. That day is and was about a baby and two new parents. It's a day I can't stop anticipating for myself next spring! I've never wanted to meet or investigate my birth mother or know anything about her. The drive has never existed for me until now. Now, I can't stop thinking about how scared she must have felt, how sad she must have felt, and how brave she was. I can't stop thinking about how her pregnancy with me must have been the opposite, emotionally, from what my pregnancy is. I can't stop thinking about how lucky, how fortunate, how blessed I am. I am financially, emotionally, and physically secure. I can't stop thinking about how much happiness this pregnancy has brought me and how she didn't get any of that. I still, strangely, don't want to know her or meet her or anything like that but I am trying very hard to not feel heartbreak for her. I will never take for granted all of the horror she must have endured to give me the opportunity to be here today. I am realizing that despite the fact that she gave me up, she is still a real mom because she made the choice to break her own heart for my well being. And I know it's in my blood to do every thing my children need, whether or not it breaks my own heart.
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