When it comes to babies and sleeping, everyone has an opinion. So here's mine. Honestly, if you disagree, that's OK. If you feel like leaving a comment, that's OK too, but please be respectful and keep this in mind: I am a mama, not a doctor. If you disagree with me, that's OK too. Bottom line. BE RESPECTFUL.
The first thing you need to know (if you don't already) is that babies need sleep. Lack of sleep hurts babies physically, mentally, and emotionally. It also makes being a good parent difficult if you're exhausted as well. If you don't believe me, pickup a copy of "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby" by Weissbluth. He cites study after study after study that prove kids who don't get good sleep early on face real struggles later on. (Disclaimer, he also describes how to use a cry-it-out method that I do not approve of.
The next thing you need to know is that every baby is different. I URGE you to realize that you know more about helping your baby have healthy sleep than you realize. Have a cup of coffee and think about the coping mechanisms you already know and use. Perhaps baby likes to be held a certain way, have a certain kind of pacifier, or to be rocked at a certain speed. Keep those things in mind! And remember that each baby does things at their own pace.
The third thing you need to know is that babies should not be left to cry for EXTENDED amounts of time. But, there will be crying. (I will elaborate later on.)
I will eventually get around to a blog that starts at the beginning, from birth. But this particular one is for parents of babies who are older. It's hard for me to pinpoint the exact age but this is directed for babies at least 5 months old, and probably older. Babies this post is for should be rolling over in at least one direction, sitting fairly well, giving a large amount of social interaction (enjoying smiling mama, grabs at toys mama is giving attention to.) These babies should also be able to be soothed to sleep by dad but perhaps NOT by mom if they are still nursing.
Ok now that that's out of the way, I KNOW I haven't made everything clear and I hope to one of these days.
Here's the method: it's centered around the idea that babies can self soothe but may need a tiny bit of crying first. You, as the parent, need to pick your threshold. Also know that the threshold can change from nap to nap, night to night, or day to day depending on your mood. There are bad days where I cannot listen to the baby cry for more than 5 minutes, and other days the full 15 don't bother me one bit. (15 is the MAXIMUM, by the way.)
The basic idea is that you do almost your full effort to put baby soundly to sleep before setting baby down (or leaving alone) in a safe place. If baby awakens, you leave and wait the allotted amount of time before you go back in and put baby back to sleep. (If this sounds like cry it out, you're right! But instead of 2 hours of crying, we limit it to 15 minutes. We also don't do silly things like try and pat their back or rub their face when they're worked up and crying.) When baby wakens in the night, if it isn't time for a feeding, you let them cry the allotted amount of time, and go put them back to sleep.
This method can take several weeks to be effective and you may get really tired of continually putting baby back to sleep. However, I find this method to be extremely gentle. Yes, baby feels very alone if she is fully awake and crying, but I have discovered that babies are quite capable of looking and sounding extremely upset without being fully awake. Even if they are awake, the longest they cry is 15 minutes before you go soothe them completely back to sleep or as calm as you can.
And that's it, really. At some point, baby will wake for food. Please feed! Then either let baby fall asleep at the breast or bottle, remove, and put them down. If they wake, start the cycle all over again.
Ok, so that's not "really" it. There are other fine nuances that I think are important. Babies need to be warm but not too warm at night. Long sleeved pjs and a sleep sack accomplish this well unless your house is extremely hot/cold. Then add a heater or subtract the sleep sack. My baby also needs a cheap white noise machine. It helps mask the sounds of us doing housework and such. Babies also need a very strict bedtime routine. Ours is pajamas and bedtime diaper, sleep sack, a bit of snuggling/playtime on the bed, a pacifier and toy for story time, lights out, nurse both sides, get pacifier again, listen to a short story/poem, listen to two verses of "You are my Sunshine" while being held on her left side and gently rocked. We do this EVERY night. As soon as we get her sleep sack zipped up she rubs her eyes and starts yawning. Quite often she doesn't make it through her story before she tries to curl up and lay down. When I set her in her crib, she's often fairly awake but I sssshhhh her and rub her back until she settles enough for me to leave without instant tears.
Also, I think it's REALLY important to have lots of time touching mama or papa before bedtime. It refuels their need for touch. And when you go in to soothe them, use as little light as possible, do it as quietly as possible, and don't talk!
So, let me know what I've left out if you plan to try this method out. I know that it has worked extremely well for at least a dozen other mamas and I got tired of retyping it or retelling it for each of them so I decided to type it up.
Our nights used to be really tough. We used to wait until G was grumpy to start the bed time routine (major mistake) and by the time I tried to read her a story, she'd be crying and upset. Then I'd fight her just to get her to lay in my arms. On a good night, I could bounce her enough that she'd stop screaming and then she'd cry herself to sleep in my arms. Then I'd sit and rock her for an undetermined amount of time before she'd be soundly asleep enough for me to set down. An hour or two later, she'd wake, I'd feed her, then she'd be wide awake, and I'd have to repeat. I was exhausted. It turns out that I was feeding her when she didn't really need it. Once I tried just soothing her back to sleep, it was a miracle. She basically melted in my arms a minute after I'd pick her up. Times when I picked her up and she instantly started rooting? Well, the baby was truly hungry!
Our nights now are so much better. I do the bedtime routine (takes about 20 minutes total) and set her in her crib. Sometimes she's out cold. Other times she needs a bit of back rubbing to get her relaxed. Then I leave. Once in awhile she cries for a few minutes before settling,but most nights, she wiggles a bit and then is asleep. She usually sleeps 11 hours straight, with at least TWO crying jags that never last more than 10 minutes. She isn't truly awake during these, even when she stands up. WEIRD but true. I know because if I go in there and pick her up, she startles and her crying changes.
Even when she was teething, she'd wake up more often and need help going back to sleep maybe twice. Usually one of those times she would want to nurse.
So, I know it's killer to listen to a baby cry for 15 minutes. I do. Try turning off the monitor and starting a timer. When time's up, check the monitor. If baby is still crying, head to the nursery! Just remember that most traditional "sleep training" methods encourage you to let baby cry for HOURS which is horrible. When baby does fall asleep, it's because they're exhausted from being alone and crying and feeling abandoned. When we first started my method with our daughter, she was 7 months old. I think the earliest we could've started was 5.5 months with her, but that might have been too soon. It took a solid month before she would go to sleep and stay asleep on the first or second try but her night wakings decreased significantly. She is now 10 months old and she sleeps through the night! Yay!
My final note is that I don't believe that some babies can go to sleep successfully without crying ever. My daughter cries before she sleeps NO MATTER WHAT. If I nurse or rock or wear her to sleep, she cries a little. My goal was to come up with a method that allowed her to self-soothe without crying any more than she does when I soothe her. I think I succeeded!
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