I guess it's been awhile

I just realized that the last time I blogged was almost two weeks ago! Honestly, I was nervous this morning that I would log on and find out my last blog was two months ago. I'm so bad at this.

I think not much is new and that's part of the reason for not blogging.

Lately, I've been wrestling with how much of 'me' I want to put out on this blog. On one hand, I'm naturally a very open book. On the other hand, I'm married to someone who is not only very private, but who is intensely protective of me.

The head zoo keeper has no real qualms with my blog (so far) but he isn't super enthusiastic about me putting it all out there.

But.

(There's always a "but", isn't there?)

But when things in my life are really big and really stressful, talking about them really helps me cope. I have a very difficult time with anxiety and stress. I always, always try to internalize it. And I always, always fail eventually. The failure is always in the form of an explosion. I hurt people and I make things more painful for myself.

I think that blogging might be a happy middle. I can still be relatively 'internal' because I'm not talking anyone's ears off, yet at the same time I'm getting it out there on a platform that allows for comments and discussion. It's like talking to someone without making eye contact, I suppose. It feels a little strange, a little off, but it's easier in many ways to get the heavy stuff out of your system.

[In case you didn't notice, I just did exactly what I was discussing. That's confusing. But choosing how much to blog about is one of my stressors and just putting it out there, blogging about the actual blogging problem has helped me greatly!]

So, here goes! My biggest long-term stresses are from least to most stress:
1. Being homesick. I so, so miss Montana. I less and less miss the physical place and more and more miss the lifestyle and the people. I didn't feel homesick at all for the first 2-3 years after I left and I'm paying it all back now.
2. Our future. Specifically how long we will be in the Navy, where we move next, what Don does after the Navy, what I do, when I get to do my real job, etc.
3. The upcoming deployment. I feel like it's coming very soon, it's going to be SO, SO long, and there are a billion things I need to do before it all happens. Eek!
4. And last but not least starting a family. I plan to blog further about this part, hopefully today.

But don't worry! I'm really OK. =] Actually, today is my first day in a long time with no commitments, work, appointments, etc. I'm loving my pajama day full of Project Runway reruns and relaxation.